The window's jammed

Among the many wish-I'd-thought-of-it words of wisdom Dan Savage has had to offer is, when someone calls or writes in to tell of a string of failed relationships that all failed for the same reason, he'll explain that the problem isn't "young Southern women" or "gay men in cities," but that each of us is the common factor in all our relationships.

I take it, given the venue, the links from Slate and Jezebel, and the addition of History and Statistics to what is otherwise a mix of tired cliché (women don't much care what men look like! men like their women young!) and Gottlieb-lite anecdotal experience, that Kate Bolick's Atlantic essay, "All the Single Ladies," is the new cover story we're all to ponder at our dinner parties, Tiger Mom-style.

And... not really? The author, though a woman, alas, experienced (and appears still to experience) re: some now long since ex-boyfriend what George Costanza did re: Susan - bored and a wandering eye while with the person, selective memory for good times only once broken up.  This... happens? Not sure what else the message is, but of course it happens. To men and to women. Revisionist history of seriously flawed relationships (and the flaw could be, you didn't want to be in a relationship, yet there you were - it doesn't have to be, s/he was bad news). Once you identify the problem, the revisionist history may cease. Otherwise? Maybe try pitching it to the Atlantic?

Meanwhile, Bolick's "spotty anecdotal findings have revealed that, yes, in many cases, the more successful a man is (or thinks he is), the less interested he is in commitment." This... sounds spotty and anecdotal? Like another way of saying that people who think they can do better often end relationships? Because it's not as though super-successful professionals don't have spouses. The men, at least, seem to have wives. Generally just one wife each, though.

The takeaway is ostensibly that The Family has evolved, and that it should be OK for women to be single, and even to be single and ambivalent. So, not exactly a super-revolutionary, change-the-way-we-think-about-this-issue argument. But from a window-of-opportunity perspective the piece is a gold mine.

Bolick went from being told (by her mother) not to settle down, to hearing from friends, at 28, that the clock's a'ticking. In college, she and her female friends "took for granted that we’d spend our 20s finding ourselves, whatever that meant, and save marriage for after we’d finished graduate school and launched our careers, which of course would happen at the magical age of 30. That we would marry, and that there would always be men we wanted to marry, we took on faith."

That, right there, is the window of opportunity problem. Girls and young women are discouraged (from a feminist perspective) from even having boyfriends, then all of a sudden, at some juncture determined by one's (allegedly still feminist) set, one is determined on the cusp of too-old, and then, if no engagement is announced within two minutes of that juncture, a too-old can be declared. If you're 16-21 (say), it's, don't make your mother's/grandmother's mistakes! If you're 21-25, maybe think about finding a husband, but you're also too young, so maybe not? 25-30, where's that husband? 30 and up? Missed that boat.

Meanwhile, of course people meet at 15, at 45 (although hopefully not at 15 and 45 respectively!) and things work out. The window of opportunity merely governs expectations. Right, right, no one intelligent cares what others think, but this isn't even on such an explicit/conscious level. Women really do go, and quickly, from feeling "too young" to feeling "too old." Part of me wishes this had been her point, but then what would be my great tirade about Women and Relationships Today to start pitching around if I ever finish the tremendous mountain of tour d'ivoire before me?