I was alarmed to see that a bull terrier, the only dog breed that goes beyond not-cute and into ugly, won Westminster. But more disturbing still is the fact that a dachshund has never, ever, been best in show. How could this be? If I were the judge, a dachshund would win every year. People might cry "bias" but then again, people would also be able to bask in the warm glow of longhaired dachshund wonderfulness. This is the closest I've ever come to caring about the results of a sporting event in which I did not know any of the athletes personally.