CHICAGO IS #9!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes sense that a school filled with decent-looking people in sweatpants and brilliant people who don't leave their rooms would not know how best to present itself to get rated accurately by the US News and World Report. According to the CNN article now being forwarded amongst University of Chicago alums, our school was ranked all wrong in previous years. We now clock in at #9, tied with Dartmouth and Columbia, and ahead of Cornell, Brown, Northwestern, Berkeley, and various other schools which, unlike UChicago, you may have actually heard of. Chicago, you see, is a large city in the Midwestern United States. In this city, there are several universities, one of which...

But, coolness! Go Chicago, indeed! Our degrees are now that much more valuable in the unfortunate entity known as the "real world" we are all going to have to face sooner or later. Which-- no matter what you say, ratings are lame, ratings mean nothing-- is super.

But the important question remains: are our degrees now valuable enough to allow us to afford drinks at our own young alumni parties? Just asking...