Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Gwyneth Paltrow's fitness guru smokes one cigarette a lifetime

Dear Her-Gwynethness,

You are officially the patron saint of women who don't need to lose any weight going on diets all the same because it's somehow more feminine to be hungry all the time. But I suppose we can't really hold you accountable for the words of your colleague/friend/body-morpher (a positive role model, this one, on account of having smoked precisely one cigarette in her life, as vs. you, naughty Gwyneth) Tracy Anderson:

I agreed to meet with Gwyneth, and she said, ‘I’ve got this movie coming up where I have to be a superhero.’ It was the very first Iron Man. She said, ‘I know you have a son—I just had Moses—and I can’t get this weight off. I’ve never had a problem like this in my life.’ She had 35 extra pounds on her. Her butt was long and she had outer thigh problems. Gwyneth is lucky because she’s really tall, so she can hide it really well in clothes, but she had significant problem areas. I felt so badly for her, and thought I could really help.
Journalists are already at work investigating what this "long butt" problem consists of. This is an altogether new complaint about the female body, so Anderson wins points for inventing an insecurity none of us would have thought up on our own. Not knowing what "long butt" entails (tails?), how can any of us know if right this very moment, we've got this flaw? The safest bet would be to sign up for Anderson's butt-shortening guruship.

"Outer thigh problems," though, is less mysterious. It just means "a post-adolescent woman with legs."


K said...

It was a very odd way of saying it, but as they (absolutely do not) say, everything's longer on Gwyneth. I suspect she's referring to a fairly common post-pregnancy.. deflation of said area. Anonymous sources close to me confirm that this accelerated downward migration is, tragically, a Thing That Can Happen.

Phoebe said...

But this has a name. Saggy butt. I'd have also accepted "droopy." Is "long," then, a euphemism? Somehow it seems worse, like a butt that droops all the way to one's ankles.

K said...

No, it really doesn't make sense, except as something you say to Gwyneth Paltrow to avoid saying she has a saggy regular-human ass. It may even be technically true for the generally long-and-lean. But even if that's the case, it does sound many times worse.

(I'll be counting on you to report back to us if, by some awful miracle, this turn of phrase catches on.)

fourtinefork said...

There's a special on Tracy Anderson classes on Gilt City in New York right now. I somehow doubt she teaches classes to the discount hoi-polloi, but maybe someone there can expand upon the long ass thing?

Phoebe said...

I thought Gilt was something high-end? Her entire livelihood can't possibly be shortening GP's ass-length.