As one does

Best "Into The Gloss" ever. We've got:

-Photos of a woman with glowing skin, no cellulite (there's one shot from the classic "Daily Mail" angle that would reveal any in the usual places), and a lovely, spa-tiled bathroom.

-Pseudoscience: The magical power of "green juice" (which, as is disclaimered, the profilee is selling) to cancel out cigarettes and lack of sunscreen, not to mention the need for makeup. The insistence that coffee is something one should want to remove from one's life, because detox, or who knows. "Among other things, green juice alkalizes your body and gets your intestines working properly... You get great skin because your liver and your guts are working properly, and you stay slim because all of your bodily functions are in line, and your hormones are balanced—your skin is a direct reflection of what's happening in your guts."

-Humblebrag: "[...] I don’t wear makeup, and honestly, don’t really know how to do my own makeup. I have friends who are musicians, models, and actresses, and they always have to do their makeup for things. So when I have something to go to that requires me to wear it, I have a lot of people within a five-mile radius that I can reach out to who will just do it for me."

-The haute-hippie thoroughness of it all: "To moisturize my face, I found an Ayurvedic, organic face cream called [whatever]. This woman sources everything from India, makes products in super small batches in a traditional, Ayurvedic way, and even chants mantras into them." And: " I love being in my shower—the water is oxygenated, re-mineralized, pH-balanced water, and all of the tiles were made by [some tile company] to make it feel really grounded, like you’re in earth." And: "[I]f you flush out the mucus and get rid of dairy, the whites of your eyes will sparkle more." And: "I usually wash my body with a loofah, but I use a dry brush to exfoliate when I’m juice cleansing."

It's all just fahbulous, dahling. Totally not relatable to those of us who prefer our greens as non-pulverized solids, thanks, like maybe sauteed with garlic and olive oil. Or who would never think of abandoning coffee for bogus purity reasons. Or who are even the least bit cynical. And yet: shiny!