When the prom queen's no Esther

Amber's right that the Jewish day school with a Jews-only prom is being silly. It's a Jewish-only school, so how often would this even be an issue? Don't most people find prom dates from within their schools anyway? Amber's also correct in pointing out how little whom one attends prom with ends up meaning later in life. Think of all the gay guys (out or almost-out) who escorted single girls to the prom. Think of all the couples who dated for maybe four weeks, but who found that prom fell, conveniently enough, right at the end of week four. Think of all the people who went to prom in a big group, but who had "dates" just because the tickets had to be bought in pairs, and so that they could have the traditional prom-couple photos taken beforehand. A prom date is not a big deal, and any Jewish school secular enough to have a prom ought to be a bit more low-key about the whole thing.

The problem I have with Amber's post is that she seems to miss the difficulties of interfaith dating/marriage while suggesting that those who date outside the faith are especially courageous and are having an especially great time. She refers to the problems that arise when dating someone Jewish as "heavy baggage," as though they're no different than the ones that come up when dating someone who'd just gotten out of a serious relationship.

More upsettingly, she refers to Jewish teens who choose to date outside the faith as "Jewish Romeos and Juliets." Is it so inconceivable that, while they like to annoy their parents just like all other teenagers, some Jewish kids might feel enough of a committment to Judaism--and not just to their own Jewish parents in particular--that they'd seek out fellow Jews and fellow Jews only for serious relationships? There's nothing intrinsically exciting or romantic about dating someone non-Jewish for most Jews. It's not as if there are just tons of conflicted Alex Portnoys or Woody Allens out there in today's Jewish high schools and campus Hillels. For nearly all teenagers, Jewish and gentile alike, it's a given that parents don't want you having sex, period, and that's danger and excitement enough in itself; the religion of your partner isn't the issue. It's not as if Jewish kids can say, "I'm sleeping with Goldfarb, Goldstein, and Goldman these days," and receive a thumbs-up from their parents.

But as for what right a school has to keep a prom one way or another, as versus what rights parents have, it's worth noting that any parent who wants his or her kid to only date Jews has two options: move to Israel or choose Jewish schools. Neither is a 100% guarantee, but both point the child in the intended direction without turning the issue into one of parents-vs.-children, in which the parents will often lose. Most people in America aren't Jewish. Most people even at secular colleges where Jews are statistically overrepresented aren't Jewish. To tell your child to stop relationships at a certain line (say, hanging out with and maybe even dating non-Jews is OK; marrying them is not) is a silly and futile plan of action. Parents have many different reasons for choosing to send their children to Jewish day schools, but surely intermarriage-avoidance is one of them. (Similarly, campus Hillels may do many different things, but pairing people off with Jewish spouses is no doubt one of the big ones.) So complaining about the Jews-only prom at a Jewish day school is a bit like complaining about prayer in parochial schools. Sure, some people end up in religious schools who don't buy into the whole thing, but that's why public and secular private schools exist, to let those families who want their children to be free of these constraints (or who want to be the only ones imposing those constraints) do so. Part of the mission of Judaism is for it to continue. Jews don't go in for prostlytizing, so that really does just leave one option.