tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7146512.post1392131674024026533..comments2024-03-12T22:31:46.500-04:00Comments on What Would Phoebe Do?: HeteroscriptualPhoebe Maltz Bovyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17996039330841139883noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7146512.post-32062223185921114332013-12-22T10:22:52.692-05:002013-12-22T10:22:52.692-05:00First off, absolutely agreed that the woman who ca...First off, absolutely agreed that the woman who called Dan Savage should speak up. In any relationship, it's normal for there to eventually be conversations about where the relationship is heading. And for men and women alike to contend with the fact that sometimes being with the person you want to be with means compromising on a trajectory you had in mind, while adhering to that trajectory may mean compromising on who you're with, or being single without wishing to be. <br /><br />But this is key: "Unless the fear is that he might say no precisely because she is pushing [...]"<br /><br />Yes, that's the fear. What I'm describing - but not endorsing! - are hetero courtship rituals as they continue to exist, even among many who seem to have otherwise evolved past this sort of thing. And one ritual involves a woman feigning indifference to marriage. I wish it weren't so - in a large part because it makes things extra confusing, what with the other women who genuinely don't want to get married, but will be read as playing hard to get. But my impression is precisely that a woman who makes clear she wants to get married, and soon, is considered less appealing than she, the very same woman, would be if she didn't spell that out.Phoebe Maltz Bovyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17996039330841139883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7146512.post-42244830897695458292013-12-21T18:15:37.742-05:002013-12-21T18:15:37.742-05:00"A woman who brings up marriage is perceived ..."A woman who brings up marriage is perceived of as exerting pressure, in a way that a man doing the same is not."<br /><br />So, assuming that these social gender scripts have permeated the relationship, what's wrong with exerting pressure? The woman seems to feel strongly about wanting to get married. Sometimes when a decision needs to be made in a relationship, one person pushes harder than the other, and that's okay. <br /><br />Unless the fear is that he might say no precisely because she is pushing, when he might say yes if she didn't push? That would be pretty petty and self-defeating behavior on his part. Also, she's already spent 3.5 years with him. That's a long time to date, for two people who theoretically want marriage and kids. So, when the not-pushing strategy fails, time to try another, I would think.caryatisnoreply@blogger.com